Lost and Found

by chazara

I’ve never needed a tool like this, to help me express myself. I’ve never felt the need to do so. One can only go so far before the carbonated emotion blows the cork of my bottle.

This is my cork, flying through the mystics of life. Maybe, just maybe, it will land where I’ve needed it to… but more than likely, it will end where most things end for me, at the bottom of a barrel owned by someone else, forgotten and discarded.

I wouldn’t class myself as an emotional person… nay, I would. A very positive, emotional person. I’ve found myself recently finding things hard to cope with. Not in any extreme sense of the initial thoughts that come to mind when someone says something like that, but in the sense that, I’m losing touch. Losing touch with, not my mentality or spirituality, but of society. Someone once told me, I can have a conversation with using just my eyebrows. I’m a good social reader, and a better at interacting, or at least I thought so.

I’ve been labelled many things in the past: Genius, Idiot, Carer, Hater, Lover, Fighter, but the only label that seems to fit is ‘Empty’. No longer do I feel I have boundless love to give. No longer do I feel that I can keep giving and giving and giving and giving and giving.

The ultimate word: Balance. So when is it my time to take? There needs to be balance for all things to exist in harmony, but I’ve found my scales tipped, as if someone punctured one of my buckets, and it has dripped, dripped, dripped in a torturous fashion. No longer is my quench satiated. I’m willing with all of my mind, body and soul, that a cork will fall in to my lap. I shall use this cork, and not forget about it like a pet-project that never got finished. I will use it to plug the hole in my life, and let the rain of another refill my bucket, and so balance can be found. Such a thing can surely be close.

I recently found myself looking in to the vastness of space and time, the great internal illusion, and reflecting on such matters of falsity. Forever, never reaching what I desire. The ends of the universe, the beginnings of time. I keep thinking to myself ‘Stay Positive’, but what good is positivity without it’s balance? Perhaps it is times like these low ebbs of emotion that truly balance me out and allow me to reopen my eyes, and begin to embrace a relentless giving once more. I do not know where life will lead me, and I do not know if I will ever truly be happy. One thing is for sure, I will leave a mark on this planet so strong, that it will irradiate for a millennium. Maybe not to the visible, or that of the unseen, but my mark will be left, as my interactions continue to shape the (local) universe, as your actions do too.

As the great healer, Time will save me. This false, bountiful illusion. Destined to portray life in fleeting reflections of lost lights…

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